-:- I've Been Caught In The Trap I Set For Myself -:-

Hello Goodbye

2009-10-09T16:23:33Z

Wow. I cannot believe I am updating this...it popped into my head today and I felt compelled.

What to say? A ton has changed...since April.

I am married now. It doesn't feel a damned bit different but I am wholly convinced that this means we're doing it right. It feels safe, though. Safe and comfortable, even in the face of the unknown. The wedding was beyond ANYTHING I'd ever dared to dream. The greatest day of my life by far.

OH, Erin and I have "broken up"...the bitch started drama at the end of my WEDDING NIGHT, at my PARENTS' house...no that's not a joke. Sayonara, loser. Go watch Dane Cook's "The friend that nobody likes"...that was YOU for nearly 8 years :-) SO, now everyone in my life is there because I love them fiercely and they deserve to be.

I weeded out a number of unworthy, toxic people in my life this year. And I am so much better for doing so!

It's not always easy, but this month we're coming up on 6 months of marriage, ALREADY...where the hell does the time GO?! It's been wonderful. I love him more and slightly differently now, but do not ask me to explain :-) Because I can't. But I can say that neither of us could really exist without the other...it wouldn't make sense. Whatever life has in store, I feel calm and ready knowing he is there for me.

It's my second year of teaching already too. HARD work, but no regrets. I am missing my kids from last year like crazy, though.

And my BEYOND gorgeous apartment (seriously, my home is fabulous. Not to brag...) has now been my home for nearly 11 months. 2 beds and 1 bath so it's small but PERFECT for two. And thanks to my "missed my calling in life" interior decor obsession, it looks amazing.

Oh, we adopted 2 cats from our local shelter. One is old, 12....her owners gave her up. She is sweet and we knew it'd be hard to find her another home. The other is 4, a calico and a TOTAL WHACK-JOB. And she talks constantly. Weirdest animal ever, but she sort of fits us lol...Jeff and I are weird.

My little sister is soon to be engaged, it's happening in December. I am 24 yet feel OLD somehow. I'm over the moon about life. Money never seems to be plentiful enough, I wish I had job security and could afford my dream home (Jeff and I will buy a historic or victorian home)...but all that will come in due time. I'm learning to savor the moment for what it is and appreciate things as they are here. I'm just a happier person now...wouldn't YOU be if you were me? I am so blessed.

"I ain't settlin' for anything less than EVERYTHING"

Happy weekend!

Also: GO Yankeeeeeees!

Giving-Thanks

2008-11-27T18:50:01Z

So. November 21st marked 5.5 years for Jeff and myself, so we took ourselves to VA for the weekend and had an AMAZING time! We toured Monticello (Jefferson's home), hung out around UVA, toured an art museum, saw a movie, stayed in a beautiful hotel room, and ate at a Tavern dating back to the colonial era. I was sad to go!

In roughly a month from now, I'll be moving! I'm so terribly excited!! We bought all of the furniture for our office and that means that we're officially DONE for furniture, and we have just about everything else. I can't wait to have people over!

I love my job. I love the students, I really do. I have days where they're SO bad and I want to pull my hair out. but I adore them. I also love the teachers I work with...we're a pretty cool group of people, I have to say! You never hear "I hate my job", ever. My kids make me laugh and amaze me at how much they care about me and my life. I am so totally blessed to have been hired here this year. The parents are great and very involved, and it's a diverse population. What I do want to drive home during the holidays is that although these kids live in a very affluent community, many others (even some who live in their town) aren't as fortunate. I find they need a better sense of citizenship, but I love this age (11/12). They're so impressionable and have so much to learn about life. They're started to get their attitudes, but you can still reach them, and that pleases me. Being there with them has gotten me through some of my worst days. They can be very healing for me.

I've been paying all my bills, paying my student loans, and still am putting $2,000 a month into savings. Pretty damned proud of myself!

I have way more energy lately, and am getting into shape. I am 12/13 pounds lighter than I was, and now am starting to tighten and tone up. I can lift more weight and do more cardio now. The weight loss has slowed to nearly a halt, but I am eating better and getting to the gym about 4 times a week for an hour. I've lost inches and the shirt I am currently wearing (one of my faves) hangs at the arms and waist where it never used to. I have a long way to go, but I am happier. I HATE to work out, but LOVE how I feel afterwards, so it's a solid love/hate relationship.

I'm thankful for everything I have today. I have the greatest friends on earth, a soon-to-be husband who also just happens to be my BEST friend, and a family that loves me. I have a job I love, make good money (at least for now, but still), and am just about to move into my first home. I get married in 4-5 months! It's surreal.

I've learned a lot this past year, and have used the hard times (and there have been many) to try to better myself. I'm trying to stress less and enjoy more. To think less, and feel more (sounds weird, but makes sense to me). To just go with the flow rather than constantly needing to be steering the boat, so to speak. I smile more, laugh more. I looked in the mirror last night and actually believe I look YOUNGER now. I'm a calmer person, yet more energetic, and more patient too (thanks to my job). I appreciate my best friends more than ever after knowing what it feels like to lose one, and am more content with my relationship than ever. I'm in a good place. Not a safe place, but a good one. Plus, if life were ever really safe, I think it'd be dull. And I don't like dull.

Christina is home this weekend and I cannot wait to see her. When I see her, everything rights itself in the world. I LOVE all my best friends, but none of the others have the effect on me that she does. I think that around her, more than ANYONE else on earth, I am my best version of me. Friends are the best thing about life!

Billions on this earth have nearly nothing, and I am rich in many ways. I have a ton to feel thankful for. My family makes me crazy and life stresses me out, but no worries. Life is looking good.

Now, I will forget about counting points with food today (though the intense workout I did yesterday to prepare for the food today has my body in lotsss of pain), and stuff my face happily. :-) I'll even have dessert!

Happy Thanksgiving!

SO exhausted

2008-11-21T04:04:23Z

Weight stayed about the same this week, maybe a little less. I worked out and ate before I weighed in so it showed me at the same weight as last week, but probably would have been roughly .5 lighter. Who knows.

I've been going to gym a lot. Jeff says I look slimmer and it's obvious, I don't agree. Then again, he sees me from "interesting"angles shall we say haha, so maybe I should listen.

I feel myself getting stronger....if only more weight would come off! I need to lose a lot more than 12 pounds!

Longest week ever....had parent visitations in my classroom and parent/teacher conferences (round 1) tonight. Saturday really early, Jeff and I leave for VA for the weekend to go see Monticello and explore :-)

As of 11/21/08...Jeff and I have officially been together for 5.5 years!

If any of this didn't make sense- I took a sleeping pill and my eyes are crossing and I am about ready to peace out for the night.

L-o-v-e.

2008-11-18T03:31:42Z

God, tonight was amazing.

Love is unfathomable. I'm pretty certain that it's the sole reason we live. Otherwise, what is the point of all this?

Hovering in the spot she was standing
The ghost of a girl
With a story to tell
That was lost on the world

Confusion sung her to restless sleep
Beauty mixed with the greatest of pain
A tortured, twisted soul
That refused to be saved

Up half the night alone
Dissolving into tears
Fallen softly onto silence
Which belonged to her fears

Disbelief fighting faith
And faith fighting fate
A match in the rain
Matched a will to remain

Living inside four walls
She boxed herself in
Vowing no one would ever
Find her again

Until one unexpected day
A hand reached out
Hesitantly she took it
Eyes narrowed with doubt

She chased this little dream
And to her faintest surprise
For the first time since the last time
There was calm in the skies

She felt her senses fail
And her shell start to crack
And she could tell who she was
Would never come back

The chains have been broken
For she has been able to see
The truth in the man
Who set her free

Life...

2008-11-17T03:56:00Z

*shrugs*

I don't know. I'll never understand. Life completely overwhelms me. It's so beautiful and so amazing and so unjust and unfair and terrible all at once. I don't really believe in the concept of "normal", but if it DOES exist, I know I don't fall into that category. I don't believe most people FEEL things as deeply as I do.

I come across to so many people as this cold, unfeeling, semi-callous bitch. It's how I hide and defend myself, and keep everybody at a safe, comfortable distance.

Yet I sometimes literally lay in bed at night and cry my heart out... for everything and nothing, for everyone and no one, for myself and for the world. For every reason and no reason at all.

What am I so afraid of, or is it not even that? Maybe I have myself so convinced I can fix everything and that I can handle carrying the weight of the world. I just don't know.

I am not alone. I have a great life. I have people who love me, a good family, an amazing relationship, and the world's most incredible best friends.

And even so, I can feel SO alone. So completely, totally, absolutely alone. I love to be by myself, I'm a loner, but I am a lonely person. Probably because the one thing I have always wanted but am not sure I will ever have...is to be understood. And how can I? I don't even understand myself.

Oops.

2008-11-15T19:22:32Z

Fun Fact: I DEFINITELY almost fell RIGHT off the elliptical today. I still don't think I look any different, but these pants are now loose. My thighs take up less space and the pants sort of hang down and are now longer because of that. My sneaker definitely got caught on my pants at the bottom, and if I weren't holding onto the bar (sometimes I don't), I'd probably have stumbled off and knocked out half my teeth. Yay? No one saw though, so that's good!

The girl on the machine next to me was whoaaaaa hot. Lol. I'm just saying...

WTF WEATHER? IT'S LIKE SUMMER OUTSIDE? WHERE IS MY WINTER, MY SNOW, MY SECOND-COMING OF THE BLIZZARD OF '96?! I am NOT happy.

Anyhow, all I have had to eat today is some organic oatmeal (YUM!), and I am trying to behave because we're hosting a jewelry party at my house tonight and I know there will be snacks! I am thinking of just eating an apple, grilling a veggie burger, or scrambling an egg with peppers. I mean, obviously I'll be snacking mostly on fruits and the veggies tonight but there will be pepperoni and cheese...HELLO, I'M SO THERE. Also, my mother is making an Italian poundcake (family recipe). There's NO sugar in at all save for the sprinkle of confectioner's sugar on top, so it's not so bad. I'd never pass that up in a million fucking years.

I still don't like working out, but I like how I feel afterwards...so it's become a trade off for me. And so it's becoming something I just do...you know?

Seester comes home today and I cannot WAIT to spend time with her <3

Weekly Update

2008-11-14T12:08:49Z

Okay, so the meeting didn't go fabulously, but it wasn't quite as bad as I thought. I didn't gain, I lost about a half a pound last week. So I'm down about 12 pounds since October 4th. But I WANT to see the scale move more. I refuse to buy that goddamned wedding dress til I lose 20. And I have about 4 pounds to go til 16, which is my first 10%.

I hope that my body gets used to me working out and stops retaining water (which I believe is a LOT of the culprit right now). I don't have to pee half as much as I usually do and I drink nothing but water! I still don't like to work out, but I like how I feel afterwards. When I do, I do high-intensity cardio for 30 minutes and then I lift. I've been going faithfully about 3-4 times a week...this week is 4 and I may even end up there a 5th time. We'll see. They got these new ellipticals that are AMAZING. If I keep the ramp low, I work more muscles, but I like to set it as though I am hiking up a mountain, because I like how it feels in my ass and quads haha. For arms, I am working on my shoulders, chest, and triceps. My biceps have nooo strength and once I build up some other muscles to the point that they are stronger, I'll tackle my biceps.

My leader Tammy doesn't think I am eating enough...that can't be it, can it? I stay in my daily points range but I don't count activity points when I work out. I don't eat the extra when I earn extra food points. She feels I need to be eating more, and by more she means protein snacks and such. She told me for more weight to come off, I either need to eat at least half of my activity points (if I earn 8, I need to eat 4 of them), or else give up working out til I lose my 10% goal (16 pounds) or get to 20 pounds (wedding dress approved lol). I could give up the gym but I like how I feel stronger even though I have only been working out for a couple weeks.

Eat MORE? Why does this not entirely make sense to me?

I hate this process. I swear to God if I don't come out of this looking AMAZING, I am going to KILL someone. I know this is a lifestyle, long-term change but I can't help feeling frustrated. When you go from losing 2 pounds a week to losing .5, it's kinda like "*huge drawn out sigh* how disappointing. I hope it is the working out and NOT the 4-5 days I've been on my new BC pill.

What frustrates me is that, yes, I lost 12 pounds. BUT, that still leaves 28 to lose yet!

Off to work, it's college spirit day so I can wear a Rowan hoodie and jeans to teach in :-) and the jeans I am wearing...I haven't been able to wear them since early/mid 2007.

Starting stats (as of Oct. 3rd): 167.5
Current stats (as of Nov. 13th): 155.6
Goal stats: 125-127.

Please motivate me.

Scared about my meeting tonight.

2008-11-13T21:46:19Z

I gained this week, I can feel it. And it DOESN'T make sense. I've been going to the gym/working out faithfully the past couple weeks, and the scale doesn't want to move. OH, couple that with the new birth control pill I started 3-4 days ago.

I feel frustrated. It can't possibly stop here :-( I still have almost 30 left to lose yet! And really, 5-6 weeks is WAY too short of a time to be hitting a plateau, isn't it?

I'm SO scared I don't even wanna go to the meeting. I'll update you later with (most likely bad) results. Jeff wants me to hit the gym with him afterwards, and if I am frustrated/angry, I could use a way to burn off my frustration. I went last night, but maybe I'll go again tonight.

Dunnnn dunnnnn dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

Funny Moment

2008-11-12T11:34:12Z

So, I just started teaching Maniac Magee to my students, and one line from the prelude is "the legacy of a kid is one part fact, two parts legend, and three parts snowball". Needless to say, they were confused. To make the "snowball" part easier, I explained "the snowball effect" to my kids and told them to imagine that during a snowstorm, they go outside and pick up a handful of snow. It's the good kind that you can pack together. So once you make that little ball, you drop it back into the snow and roll it around or slide it down a hill. What happens to it?

They all say "it gets bigger and bigger" So, I start to explain about how you can start with one little detail, truth, OR lie/rumor about someone, and as you roll the story along and pass it on to others, it can get embellished and exaggerated and pretty soon you end up with a story that is SO far from the original, it barely carries any truth at all (if it ever did in the first place)

Since I opened up the can of worms about snow, of course there were freak-outs about snow, to which I told them "It hasn't SNOWED since 1996. And most of you weren't even born yet".

This kid Alex in the back (quiet but SO funny and witty, he moved to Voorhees from NC and has had problems adjusting) goes *in old lady voice* "Back in my day, in the 1800's, it used to blizzard, but not anymore!". It takes me a few seconds but I shoot him a look and say "You are calling me old, aren't you!?" and he smiles and shakes his head "yes".

onetaintedmuse @ 2008-11-09T22:12:00

2008-11-10T03:43:38Z

Is it wrong of me that I'm totally annoyed by people asking me how weight I've lost and telling me I'm looking great? I know I am the worst, most impossible human being to give a compliment to, but still. I keep saying "I don't see a difference yet, I have a very long way to go. Once I hit my goal, we'll talk about it". Until then, I feel like I have so much work to do and don't want to acknowledge anything. I think I need to change my attitude though...hmm.

I'm just ridiculously focused, I guess. I went to Friendly's w/Reese today (who, for the record, has the world's COOLEST child ever), and I got a cone-head sundae after all...with low-fat, sugar-free vanilla ice cream, no extra candy, a little whipped cream, and no hot fudge (only sugar-free fudge on the bottom of the cone). Normally? Cookie dough ice cream, hot fudge, extra Reeses Pieces, loads of whipped cream. I mean, it STILL wasn't great for me (helllllllo chemicals haha), BUT I really wanted something, found out a way to make it a little better, and ate it. And then I went to a family birthday party, had a veggie burger and fat-free hot dog, a handful of popcorn, and NO CAKE. And I didn't even WANT cake this time. Before? Chips, pretzels, dip, snacks, regular cheeseburger, regular hotdog, big slice of cake? Oh, the joys of progress.

I definitely FEEL better (well not at the moment, as my stomach hates me and it's JUSTTT about that time of the month, AND I'm getting ready to start a new pill)...HAHA BUT, in general...I do feel healthier. And for that, I'm happy. I haven't had soda or fried food or fast food since the beginning of October.

BUT...now what I am waiting on is for ME to be able to see it in my body. My clothes fit differently for sure, so I KNOW it has to be there, and I'm really LOOKING for it, but I can't notice anything :-(

Overdid it with my arms at the gym yesterday and I am sore as all hell today. Might go back tomorrow, but I still feel sore, I'll wait til Tuesday. I need a solid 3-4 gym trips per week. Not even to help me lose weight...I want to see inches come off, too. And I totally need to tone up.

Pray for me about this new birth control pill, that I handle it well without side effects or with very minimal ones. I went through absolute HELL with the first one (and no, that is not an exaggeration), and I'm scared shitless to try another one.

I have been having dreams about someone lately, and it weirds me out and startles me. I guess it's that "unfinished business" thing or feeling like you walked away from a huge mess thinking it would clean itself up...but it doesn't. It stays a big mess, just as you left it. I don't know. It will pass and I am fine (as fine as I CAN be, anyhow). But it's still strange. I passed where he lives tonight, and didn't even realize it at first until I shuddered and felt a weird chill, and when I looked to my left, I saw the complex. My own intuition freaks me out sometimes, it's incredibly strong. Bad memories, eesh. I wanted nothing more than to stop, rewind the time back, and take back what happened. I wish life worked that way. Or to show up and apologize and be a woman about it. But I know if I saw him, I'd have no words to say. I'd say I was a victim of my own stupidity and poor judgement (though I'm not one to normally judge poorly), but that's a lie. The real victims of our mistakes are those we hurt. And there is yet another person that part of me wishes I could apologize to, but it wouldn't matter now. Time is a great thing sometimes, but unfortunately its powers will never extend to undoing our wrongdoings. You just go on.

I love my job, but I REALLY don't want to work tomorrow. I have to get up at 5 and go in early, because I'm starting a new novel this week and have way too much to do. Sigh.

I heard "Bring Me To Life" on the radio today...I know that means nothing to anyone reading this...but I STILL think of him every time. I can't help it...I think I always will. Just because he is gone now and we've both moved on doesn't stop me from going into that same trance-like state and from replaying a specific series of strong memories in my mind. It's so weird. I used to hate remembering those days, but I don't mind anymore. It reminds me that it was real, that everything did happen, and that he served a purpose in my life. I may have been a different person back then, but I was still ME, and what I felt was real.

Now that I've made NO sense, I'm off to bed soon. Big week looms ahead.

For the record, in roughly 52ish days, I get to move in with my best friend/the love of my life. I. CANNOT. WAIT!!!!

onetaintedmuse @ 2008-11-07T23:34:00

2008-11-08T04:55:43Z

I feel better today, I'll admit. Definitely PMSing haha.

<3: Good food, days off, amazing friends, great sex, and feeling accomplished.

I'm hitting the gym tomorrow for the elliptical and arms. I'd jog outdoors (and meant to this week) but the weather this week has been TEH SUCK! Blahhhhh.

Watched Obama's first press-conference as President-elect today...I'm so in love with that man.

Though I still feel huge as a house, everyone keeps me to shut the fuck up because I lost over 11 pounds my first month. I know I am on the right track, I just have a reallllllll long way to go. So, 29 pounds left to lose. I don't want to weigh anything over 125 :-) That's SUCH a great number, no? I enjoy anything with the number 5 in it, and plus my anniversary is 5/21 and combinations with those numbers make me smile (gay but true).

Some people say it is bad luck, but I try my wedding band on everyday haha. SO. PRETTY. AND. BLINGY. MUST. STARE! I chose all the wedding gowns I am going to try on today...all that's left is to lose my next 10 pounds or so before I will go look for one (when I am halfway to goal). If I lose the 40 pounds, I'll be wearing a size 4/6. PERFECTION? I think so! And frankly, a size 0 or 2 ain't gonna work for me, because I've learned a few things:
1.) my boobs are not shrinking AT ALL (and I'm actually very unhappy that they're not).
2.) my ass isn't going ANYWHERE. And neither are my hips. That's pretty clear.

I cannot wait to be thin and in-shape. What is so exciting is that if I make my goal, I'll be 10-12 pounds less than my thinnest point in high school (in which I wore a size 6/8). I doubt I will ever be happy with my body, but I'll settle for feeling better and looking hotter. Other than my nose, I have a decent face haha.

I love how as the years go by Jeff and I's fights get shorter and shorter. Before we could go DAYS being stubborn asses and keep fights going because no one would give in. Now, the same night we're like "I'm sorry, I hate fighting with you, I'm lonely". Oh, adulthood.

Jeff and I keep buying and accumulating things for our house and it's SO EXCITING. 2 months from now, I'll be all moved in! It's going to look like an interior-designer lives there. I can't WAIT to post the photos!

I also bought a french-maid outfit for when I cook him dinner and clean the house/want to drive him crazy ;-) and being that in 2 months I will have lost 20-25 pounds, I'll be walking around in that outfit and heels looking so much better.

Sometimes, in weak moments, I feel like it will be hard to live with him only because I LOVE to be alone and I love total privacy. The longest we've shared a house is one week. I'm such a loner, sharing your life with someone else on that level can be VERY daunting.

(Bad) weekly update

2008-11-06T23:42:25Z

NOT a happy girl this week. I only lost 3/4 of a pound and I am so fucking frustrated I could MURDER someone.

Ever since I began walking, I've barely lost any weight. Just 1.2 pounds last week and now a measly fucking 3/4 of ONE pound this week. I'M SO UNHAPPY.

11.4 down total so far. My starting weight was recorded on 10/2 and my first week ended on 10/8.

This whole process is SO HARD. It sucks. I don't even think I fucking look any different.

I REFUSE to try on a wedding gown til I lose 20 (REALLY would love to wait til 25), and at this rate, that won't be til fucking February, so I may never get a dress!

*mad*

Fuck everyone on earth who was born thin with a good metabolism.

I could probably do this faster through anorexia or puking, but sadly... I hate to throw up.

And I sort of hate my fiance at the moment, like I want to hit him. Men are such insensitive fucking douchebags. Maybe I was onto something when I started hooking up with girls. Remind me why I'm getting married? Why anyone gets married? I swear to God I wish I was single sometimes.

*fumes*

I need a fucking drink. ACTUALLY, I NEED A WHOLE BOTTLE. NO! My mom bowls tonight...when she leaves I'm going to smoke. THAT'S what I want.

I know it's a TAD early for this, BUT...

2008-11-05T03:08:58Z

*does victory dance*

YAY OBAMA. I knew he wouldddddd win. My ENTIRE family (except me) voted for McCain *rolls eyes*. My mother seriously thinks Obama is like this horrible muslim terrorist, it's kind of funny. My father thinks he is a crazy, dull, useless radical socialist.

To which I answer: Sarah Palin. 'Nuff said. "And now I'm gonna entertain y'all with some fancy pageant walkin'!" (by the way, I want to marry Tina Fey).

*middle finger to all crazy, super-christian, hyper-conservative McCain/Palin lovers* SORRY, BITCHES.

I think I'll stretch out, get comfy, and go to sleep...I will be waking up to the front page of the Courier announcing Obama as our next president. And I MIGHT frame it.

For the record, I am NOT a democrat. In fact, this is the FIRST time in ANY election (presidential, senate, local, school, etc) I've voted in that I haven't split the ticket. I went straight down the democratic side.

*claps and giggles*

My dad is bitching to people on the phone about how "we are in deep trouble and have a black, liberal, radical socialist about to take office", and it makes me squeal with glee!

I have to wipe the stupid grin off my face for tomorrow. My students keep wanting to know who I support and I REFUSE to tell them.

::gloating::

Weekly Update

2008-10-31T00:02:43Z

Had a little bit of a rough week. I had an altercation with a french vanilla cake and downed nearly half of it (I sort of mentioned that in previous entries) and last night I went to a Pampered Chef demo at my aunt's house and snacked all night (I'm talking cheese, spinach dip with sourdough bread, pepperoni, cookies...wasn't pretty).

I also began exercising this week. I LOVE fall (my fave) and love the chill in the air and changing leaves, so I walk 2-3 miles around a lake/pond near my house. I did that three times this week. But, apparently when you begin working out, your muscles retain more water.

I did lose this week. I lost 1.2 pounds. TOTALLY good considering I practically gobbled up half a french-vanilla cake and snacks at a party, but still not what I've been seeing (2 pound range). I am starting a new birth control pill in around 2 weeks, so I am nervous it will stall my loss or make me gain *sigh*. So this coming week, I am going to write everything down, exercise, and kick it into high gear! I'd love to lose 2 pounds for my next weigh-in.

So, all tolled (tonight marked the end of my first 4 weeks, so almost a month): I have lost 10.6 pounds and have about 29 left to lose to make my ultimate goal of 40.

Apparently 10 pounds is a dress size, so when I lose my next 10, I'm gonna buy my wedding gown. That's 2 sizes (20 pounds). If I make it to 40, that's 4 dress sizes! That means I will wear no bigger than a size 6, ever! AND if I lose 40, chances are I will fit into some size 4's. God that would be great.

This is NOT easy and I feel like I don't look different, but the people I know are telling me they can see it. The ONLY thing I notice is that my double chin is disappearing. I was blessed with a BEAUTIFUL jawline and face shape (think Jennifer Aniston), so it's nice to see my face thinning out. I hope that when I lose 20 I will be able to see it.

Slight fall from grace...

2008-10-27T22:11:48Z

So yesterday (though granted, I ate nearly NOTHING all day beforehand) I ate two slices of plain pizza, a handful of fries, and a piece of cake. HOW DISGUSTING. And to make it WORSE, today when I came home from school with the best intentions (really wanted to scramble some egg whites with pepper for dinner), the same fucking cake was on the counter. My favorite kind. Deadlyyyy.

I dug in. I had a big piece of that shit. I felt like SUCH a fucking failure afterwards, that I took a fork into the bathroom and jammed the long end down my throat trying to throw it up and get it out of me. No matter how hard I tried, I only gagged hard. I gave up. I couldn't seem to throw up. Soooo I guess I'd be terrible at bulemia.

I feel SO gross and horrible and fat. I bet I won't lose any weight this week now. I literally have to eat NOTHING but fruits, veggies, and egg whites until Thursday. I feel so bad about myself. And to think that was a NORMAL meal for me a little under 4 weeks ago...SICK.

I just want to RUN until I cannot stand. It's dark and I have a lot of work to do, so I can't. Tomorrow Jeff is gonna do 2 miles with me, but I'm gonna be REAL cranky tomorrow afternoon, as I get to have my lady-business prodded and penetrated with metal instruments for my annual appointment. So I am gonna need to run.

I haven't had sex in well over a week and I am REALLY ANGRY about it. I'm ready to take down any sexy man I see. So frustrated.

You know, for a girl who lost about 10 pounds since October 3rd, you'd think I'd see a difference and feel better about myself. Yeah...I don't...AT ALL. 10 down, a million to go.

.

2008-10-27T02:49:41Z

I feel so alone sometimes.

God DAMMIT I feel so fucking frustrated I could scream. WHENEVER I need someone, NO ONE is there. EVER. IS IT REALLY THAT HARD TO FUCKING FIND SOMEONE TO TALK TO, WHEN I CONSTANTLY DROP EVERYTHING FOR EVERYONE WHEN THEY NEED ME?!

Apparently it's in the fucking cards for me to live my life ONE-SIDED.

I'm tired of feeling used like something disposable. I'm tired of living with the feeling that people don't actually CARE about me, I'm just around when I'm around. When I slip away, no one fights for me. I can disappear from people's lives and it takes months for people to even notice. Then they say "Ohhh I miss you!". YEAH bullshit. Then you'd have fucking acted like you wanted me in your life, you'd have called, you'd have done something. I'm not going to be the silence-breaker anymore.

I don't ever want to reach out again. I don't want to extend myself anymore. I'm tired.

I feel like everyone's last resort. I'm in people's lives, but not as someone they love. I'm someone who just exists there, who they call, IM, or hang with from time to time.

I want to feel LOVED and WANTED and NEEDED. And I never do. And I never will.

"Oh, what the fuck is your problem, you're in a relationship with someone who loves you, how could you possibly be lonely?!"

FUCK. YOU.

frustrated

2008-10-26T04:23:56Z

Why is it, that seemingly EVERYTIME I am up and need someone to talk to, nobody is online?

I don't know, I just always seem to sense when people need me. I wish people could do that for me. There are certain things I can't discuss with just anyone! I usually pick and choose things to talk to certain friends about.

God, this is hard sometimes. The one friend I'd always talk to (and could talk to about anything) isn't there anymore.

Womanizer, woman, womanizer, you're a womanizer baby, you, you, you are, you, you, you, are...

2008-10-25T17:08:41Z

Boy don't try to front, I know just-just what you are-are-are!
You, you got me going
You're oh-so-charming
But I can't do it...
WOMANIZER.

(Loves it). Oh Britney.

Anastasia makes me HAPPY. End of story. We agreed to get married. I wonder how I should break the news to Jeff? lol.

I can start working out this week!!!! YAY. I feel like such a blob right now. I still have 30 pounds left to lose out of about 40, and I HATE to work out...but I actually have gotten this desire to lately. I get this overwhelming feeling that I need to move more. People told me this would happen and it's SO TRUE. It's weird, like a natural progression. I finally am STARTING to feel better after being super-sick. Wait til you see me in a couple months. Look out, world. I'm gonna break your heart! I can't wait to put a profile pic up on Facebook where people are like "OMG...THAT'S YOU?!" This is currently the ONE, BIGGEST thing that is missing from my life, and

This SO ain't easy, so I am lucky to be surrounded by supportive people.

That, and I want my dress by December (by the holidays), and I REALLY want to be at least at my half-way point (20-25 pounds) before I go buy it. That way I'll have only 20 left to go until goal and nearly 4 months to achieve it. So that means I have to lose 10-15 pounds like mid-december...TOTALLY can do it..I think.

Weekly Update

2008-10-23T22:09:39Z

Lost 2.2 pounds this week. My total so far is -9.4. By next week I'll have passed the 10 pound mark, leaving about 30 left to go. I've been furious that I'm this sick (I feel like I am dying) because I can't go out and walk/jog or get to the gym. If I'm better and can do it this week, I'm going to add that in too.

We'll see. Slow and steady, right? :-/

Official Favorite Songs.

2008-10-23T01:09:20Z

I've ALWAYS said I'd get around to making a list of my favorite songs of all time, and I finally chose to do it tonight. Without further ado (also: they are in NO order, I could never pick between them...love them all)

Bryan Adams "Summer of 69"
Eric Clapton "Change the World"
Lifehouse "First Time"
Maroon 5 "Sunday Morning"
Madonna "Take A Bow"
The Ataris "So Long Astoria"
Frank Sinatra "The Way You Look Tonight"
Semisonic "Closing Time"
Goo Goo Dolls "Sympathy"
Nirvana "Smells Like Teen Spirit"
New Radicals "You Get What You Give"
Rick Astley "Together Forever"
Red Hot Chili Peppers "Dani California"
Chicago "Saturday"
Chicago's version of "Dream A Little Dream of Me"
Josh Groban "So She Dances"
Rascall Flatts "Life is a Highway"
Fiona Apple "Criminal"
Bruce Springsteen "Secret Garden"
Jefferson Starship "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now"
Billy Joel "We Didn't Start the Fire"
Christina Aguilera "Save Me From Myself"
Christina Aguilera "Welcome"
Jimmy Eat World "Kill"
OAR "Shattered"

Edit: Added the last 2 to round out my list at 25 haha. I like things even. I ALMOST added them before but didn't want to make the list too long, but now they're back. There we go, done :-)

There, I did it! Thoughts?

Worn out comes the welcome from a truth that never lies...

2008-10-21T22:46:23Z

It's getting dark much earlier and it's getting colder outside. I can feel myself waking up inside and coming alive. I sleep all summer long, and can never seem to wait for the chill to come.

I feel like running and dancing around on the beach tonight. And I'd want it to rain and I'd want to get absolutely soaking wet.

I never quite seem to want anything so much as when it's not mine, and then I get bored when I get what I want. I'm so fucking fickle and unreliable, it's disgusting. And I wonder why no one ever counts on me for anything?

(My GOD, I have EVERYTHING backwards in life!)

My goal: Make SOME sort of sense someday, to SOMEONE.

So. Today...5 years and 5 months ago, I started dating a friend of mine. He was dating one of my closest friends when he kissed me, therefore cheating on her. I knew right away I was crossing an "uncross-able" line, and I went ahead and did it anyway (hmmm, seems some patterns are doomed to repeat themselves...). I was still messing around with this other guy and I needed a way out, because I couldn't let him go. I tried. I tried so hard, every day. It never worked, I thought it would go on forever and I'd never fully leave him. And here, the guy who got angry with me every time I spoke "the other one's" name and told me everyday to leave him forever, was the right one the whole time. I was just 17 years old. Things aren't supposed to happen this way! Here I am, 5 years and 5 months later, with all that time's worth of ups and downs, wearing his ring on my left hand, about to move in with him, and planning my wedding to him that is now 6 months away. WHO KNEW? It blows my mind.

I spent all day in school pratically hacking up both of my lungs, while nearly unable to talk. The other teachers gave me that "Girl, you KNOW you should've stayed home" look. My kids seemed so happy that I was back, though. There are always some that hate you, but knowing that so many of them missed me that much when 1.) I was gone for only 2 days and 2.) After having the coolest sub in the school, makes me feel PRETTY good. The girls kept trying to hug me, but I didn't wanna give them "the plague" haha.

I hate when I have no voice and cough like this, because I can't sing. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's my favorite thing to do (when no one is listening to me, I mean). And I keep staring at the guitar in the corner of my room that has never really been played. How hard could it be to teach myself? I'm a smart girl, after all. Then I could just play and sing when I get sad or stressed out, rather than becoming a basket-case. Oh, who am I kidding?

Back to reality. I've got a stack of quizzes to grade that looks as high as the Empire State Building.
OH! Simile! I can use that in class tomorrow.

OMG, REALLY?! AM I JOKING?! Could I be more of a loser?

Edit: Um, read the first part of my entry...it rhymes. I speak in rhymes now.

NEVER teach English.

You made your bed...

2008-10-21T03:02:12Z

I'm going back to work tomorrow...I'm not all better, but I am crazy-stressed and need to get back to life.

I don't know WHAT possessed me to do so, but I ended up watching The Hills tonight. And I have to say, I HATE girls who ALWAYS, ALWAYS go back to "that guy". The girls who can't ever just LEAVE and move on, and always go back. Funny, I'm one of them...

I guess sooner or later we have to close our eyes, jump, and hope to hell that we made the right decision. You're falling either way, after all. You either fall flat on your face (or ass)... or you land on your feet. It's not the falling that matters, is it? It's how you land.

God, this week is going to kill me. I have SO much work to do, it's insane. I started to read the novel that I am teaching next, and I couldn't bring myself to get past chapter 5. That's a BAD sign. It's "Maniac McGee" by Jerry Spinelli, and it's supposed to be wonderful. However, I thought it sucked, at least from what I read. Tomorrow, I need to get my hands on the 6th grade book list and possibly change novels. If I can't get past the first few chapters, it doesn't bode well for them, right? I can't teach my one novel yet, it's about the holocaust and is VERY "heavy", difficult, and laden with symbolism and figurative language, and it's too early in the year to teach that. I'm nervous about the unit on the holocaust, I just don't know how to teach it, because I don't understand any of it. Does anyone? The photos alone can render me mute for the rest of the day or reduce me to a near psychotic-breakdown. They're 11 and 12 years old, how the hell am I going to explain the holocaust to them? Sigh.

Enough of work-related stress...

I'm not sure how, but I let Stasia con me into seeing HSM3 with her (actually, I agreed because we need a date, have WAY too much to talk about *that is an understatement*, and I miss her like crazy), but still...everytime I see the commercial for it (which tends me to be every 5ish minutes), I groan a little inside.

It's funny the things we tell ourselves sometimes in order to move on or go forward, even when we know we are lying to ourselves...we do it anyway.

I get my own place in about 2 months...it's so tantalizingly close that I can taste it, yet seems completely distant.

Sometimes I feel like my life has raced by too fast for me and I breathlessly can't keep up, and other times I feel like I'm standing still, rolling my eyes, sighing loudly, and tapping my foot impatiently...waiting for life to catch up with me. I wonder which one is true...

Kiss, kiss... gonna tell you right now
I'll make it sweet on the lips as it can knock you out
Shut up, I don't care what you say
'Cuz when we're both in the ring you're gonna like it my way
Yeah baby, there's a villain in me so sexy sour and sweet
And you'll be loving it
In the blink of an eye
In the speed of the light
I'll hold the universe up
And make your planets collide
When I strap on my boots
And I slip on my suit
You see the vixen in me
Becomes an angel for you

OMG, it's actually WORKING so far!

2008-10-16T23:27:09Z

Just got back from my meeting and 2nd weigh-in...I lost another 2.8 pounds this week.

In the past 2 weeks, I am down 7.2 pounds!

32.8 left to go.

Maybe, if I am SUPER diligent, I can repeat the 2.8 pound loss next week and the first ten pounds will be G-O-N-E.

I'm Kristen's event planner for the day for her wedding tomorrow (SO excited for it) and that's going to be a challenge. But I'll be running around like a chicken with her head cut off all day, will eat very healthy during the day, be sensible at the dinner, refuse the cocktails (save for the toasting champagne, of course), drink water, etc. My splurge of the day? I am SO having some wedding cake. Maybe not the whole slice, but half for sure.

I'm going to start taking walks this week too. I need some exercise and to clear my mind.

I don't feel thinner yet (though I should, my pants are looser), but I do feel good to be making smarter choices while not depriving myself. I've let myself go horrifically ever since high school, and I deserve better. If I don't learn to take care of myself, who else is going to?

onetaintedmuse @ 2008-10-14T22:46:00

2008-10-15T02:48:03Z

"In life we all have an unspeakable secret, an irreversible regret, an unreachable dream and an unforgettable love."
~Diego Marchi

I've always been the easy kill...

2008-10-14T03:38:14Z

It's nights like these where I feel completely overwhelmed by the magnitude of life...and I mean that in the best possible way.

Sooooo guess what huge dummy left her lesson plan book in her vice principal's office? *raises hand* YEP, THIS GIRL. And I don't even remember what I am doing tomorrow...looks like I am going in an hour and 15 minutes early AGAIN. I love my job. No, really, I do. I have so many grades to enter tomorrow and I am beyond stressed, but I can't really imagine doing anything else. Well, except forensic pathology. I want my master's before I have my first child, and the more I consider it, the more I am thinking of pursuing it as my second degree. Oh, and my observation went great today. In case anyone out there gives a shit? No? Okay.

While fully aware that absolutely no one updates or reads these anymore, I find it very comforting AND comfortable to still have this thing to write in. I like the freedom of being able to choose what everyone can see and what I keep private. Sometimes you just need a place where you can be you and free of any expectations.

I have been this jumbled mess lately, though happily so. One side of me...amazing joy and excitement and the best time of my life. The other side hides great pain. I've come to accept that I will always have this dark side to me, I have to learn to love it as part of who I am. It no longer manifests itself in destructive and dangerous ways, but it's still there. There wouldn't be rainbows without rain, right? Right.

Ever notice how each best friend you have "heals" you in a different way? They each do different, amazing things for me. It blows my mind. Like, I am talking to Stasia now and everything just opened up. Until now, I never poured everything out like this. The things I couldn't say, couldn't describe, didn't want to let myself feel regarding everything...ALL of it came out, even the most fucked up things that are running through my head that I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone. How IT felt, what I was thinking, the aftermath, how I feel now, etc. It was the first time I didn't hold anything back. And only with her...my best friend since age FOUR doesn't even KNOW about ANYTHING.

Oddly enough, Stasia and I seem to lead parallel lives. We both agree the week of July 7th, 2008 should simply be erased from the world's memory and from the history of time. Way too similar situations. Odd. But I feel like someone GETS it. And she lets me say what I need to and doesn't judge me.

Wowwww sensory/emotion overload. I feel like I just ran a marathon. But damn, it feels GOOD to just let go like that.

It’s not right, not okay
Say the words that you say
Maybe we’re better off this way?
I’m not fine, I’m in pain
It’s harder everyday
Maybe we’re better off this way?
It’s better that we break…

A fool to let you slip away
I chase you just to hear you say
You’re scared and that you think that I’m insane

The city looks so nice from here
Pity, I can’t see it clearly
While you’re standing there, it disappears
It disappears

Maybe we’re better off this way?
It’s better that we break

Saw you sitting all alone
You’re fragile and you’re cold, but that’s all right
Life these days is getting rough
They’ve knocked you down and beat you up
But it’s just a rollercoaster anyway

-:- I've Been Caught In The Trap I Set For Myself -:-

Hello Goodbye

Giving-Thanks

*SO exhausted*

L-o-v-e.

Life...

Oops.

Weekly Update

Scared about my meeting tonight.

Funny Moment

onetaintedmuse @ 2008-11-09T22:12:00

onetaintedmuse @ 2008-11-07T23:34:00

(Bad) weekly update

I know it's a TAD early for this, BUT...

Weekly Update

Slight fall from grace...

.

*frustrated*

Womanizer, woman, womanizer, you're a womanizer baby, you, you, you are, you, you, you, are...

Weekly Update

Official Favorite Songs.

Worn out comes the welcome from a truth that never lies...

You made your bed...

OMG, it's actually WORKING so far!

onetaintedmuse @ 2008-10-14T22:46:00

I've always been the easy kill...

SO exhausted

frustrated